I’m the slime oozin’ out

from your TV set. (Frank Zappa)
Television? What the fuck is going on. I’m almost an OAP. The telly should have become an essential aid to the process of dozing off but all it does is wind me up. Crap, adverts, adverts, adverts, crap, adverts, adverts, adverts adverts, adverts, adverts, crap, adverts, adverts, adverts. Freeview my arse. It’s costing me hours of my life trying to find something decent to relax to.

ADULTS ONLY

Meaty beaty big and bouncy.

Do you like girls with big tits? I much prefer skinny long legged creatures for no other reason than they are easier to photograph. It’s true you know, the camera really does make you look fatter. That curvy chick in the low cut top you failed to pull in the pub last Friday night would, in all probability, look like a beast of the field in them dodgy camera phone snapshots you were hoping to take. Believe me it was a blessing in disguise that she wasn’t drunk enough to swallow your “I’m a pro fashion photographer and you would make a fabulous model” bullshit and told you to fuck off. Here are examples to demonstrate what I’m talking about. To keep these four handsome bouncy boobed young ladies from looking like tubs of lard I had to use every ounce of my finely tuned camera technique. Christ, I even took the camera out of automatic mode! These assignments are not for the feint hearted. No, stay with the size 6 stick insects because you can’t fail to get decent shots of them in whatever distasteful poses you talk them into doing.

ADULTS ONLY