And now for something completely different.

Alternative model? What the fuck does it mean. I hate the term. Models with a few tattoos and piercings are forever using the alternative pigeonhole. Look around you, girls in the UK without a tattoo or piercing are as rare as rocking horse shit. Surely we should be calling models who haven’t mutilated themselves alternative.

ADULTS ONLY

Meaty beaty big and bouncy.

Do you like girls with big tits? I much prefer skinny long legged creatures for no other reason than they are easier to photograph. It’s true you know, the camera really does make you look fatter. That curvy chick in the low cut top you failed to pull in the pub last Friday night would, in all probability, look like a beast of the field in them dodgy camera phone snapshots you were hoping to take. Believe me it was a blessing in disguise that she wasn’t drunk enough to swallow your “I’m a pro fashion photographer and you would make a fabulous model” bullshit and told you to fuck off. Here are examples to demonstrate what I’m talking about. To keep these four handsome bouncy boobed young ladies from looking like tubs of lard I had to use every ounce of my finely tuned camera technique. Christ, I even took the camera out of automatic mode! These assignments are not for the feint hearted. No, stay with the size 6 stick insects because you can’t fail to get decent shots of them in whatever distasteful poses you talk them into doing.

ADULTS ONLY